Prayer
I am in design classes now God. And we are talking more and more about designer-y things; about the little moves that can push you from good to great. A few journal entries ago I talked about feeling inadequate, and I still feel that way, but I am starting to see that it doesn't have to be that way.
I did a design for class a week ago; it was a narrative composed of ten peices, concerning my memories of oak leaves, and my relationship with You. For the majority of the story You weren't present; and when You were, You were hidden behind an oak door, and giving rather cryptic replies I might add. But the funny thing is, I have had a lot of questions about it-- the piece, anyway-- and people want to know more. The original text isn't up yet to accompany the pictures, but people KNOW there is a story there; and they seem to at least have a fleeting interest in knowing what it is.
God, I wonder how to do that now.
Memoria hasn't been my focus; even when I was updating, I was lethargic and exhausted both physically and spiritually. I always get a temporary thrill when I start a new project, and I think that's what happened, YET AGAIN, when I redid Memoria.
I just reread a comment over a past journal entry from a friend and fellow creator, Todd. It was encouraging to me (thanks man, if you're reading this!) in a way-- I mean, I always know that other artists are going through similar things, but for some reason it just really hit home for me.
God, I know we... You... probably just I (lol) have been distant lately. I can't put my finger on one thing, there isn't really ONE thing- but I know I have spent entirely too many lonely evenings and wasted hours thinking about how horrible everything is, but never spending a moment trying to make it right. I pick up my Bible for a moment and throw it to one side to play Mario. I go to pray and get sidetracked by... junk.
I can't even cry. I realized that the other day, and it was so strange, like having an out of body experience. I thought about things that usually make me cry-- my own circumstances, ha ha, and my characters, and my friends, and all manner of other things-- and couldn't bring a single tear to my eye. I'm apathetic.
I think I still am, to an extent. I'm attempting to use escapist strategies to avoid You, but even now they aren't working. I spent an hour playing SPYRO, (Yeah, lame, I know) and my brain was on autopilot while my heart was a million miles away. I throw myself into my work, doing good things, but not great things. I know those things aren't useless- they're building blocks (at least the latter!)- but not YOUR thing.
I keep hearing similar things in my art classes God, and I know if had the strength to pick up the threads, I could see the pattern strongly. Now all I get is magic, make magic. But I can't even feel anything, let alone create wonder for someone else.
A prayer I hear a lot around this little Christian campus is "Break my heart for what breaks yours". It's pretty cliche, I've felt, and for a while now I've been wanting to pray it all the same. But I don't know how. Or I do, but I can't bring myself to do it.
Why am I wallowing this way? This isn't me.
I am contemplating changes to Memoria, but not to myself. I think somehow that doing good work will make Memoria good- and that's not it. I haven't posted a page in over a month, but for some reason, people still come by and look.
"There is something in you that attracts them."
Myself. And You; however disconnected we are at any given time.
I can't be 100% about everything all the time. There are times when me and You are going through a rough patch; or the work isn't coming along right; when questions get too rough, or the world is chilling out on my shoulder. But what keeps me going?
"I have been here all along"
That is what makes Memoria memorable, at least to me; a story to work through and work on for all of my adult life. It is about rediscovering God in all contexts, again and again, even as I'm doing the work. The story is for believers and non alike.
Intensly human but in touch with the divine.
Sometimes I sit and think about this stuff and get the goosepimples and wonder how I can even begin to work on such big concepts. Then there are other times, brief times, like now, where I know it can happen.
God, I am saying this with some trepidation, some fear. My heart isn't fully in this yet, but I like the idea of it, and know somewhere else other than my mind or even my heart that this is the best course of action, the only way. You tried to point me to it earlier this year, but even when I thought I excepted it, I was only running again.
Make me Yours again.
I felt like vomiting just typing... it makes me nervous. Dangerously close to the edge of insanity. But that's what being a Christ follower is, isn't it? In this world, anyway.
| Quote: |
| "The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes. It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars. It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure." -The Vision by Pete Greig |
I often hear that the greatest danger to Christians isn't MTV, or drugs, or premarital sex, gay marriage, pop culture, matarialism, etc-- but rather it's apathy. The Good News doesn't change peoples lives, it makes them nice people. What does that mean?
The answer I seem to keep getting is: NOTHING.
How do I do this Christian thing? I feel like this awkward stint between us has helped me clarify how to be kindly blunt (if that makes sense, though I don't know how effectively compassionate I am...) but I have no radical side to me anymore. I won't grab someone's hand and say, hey man, let's pray. I don't put my hand over someone's eyes and show them a new world, a vision of God's face.
Isn't that what I'm here for?
I could spend all night wallowing in that. But that's behind me, or getting there. I'm almost out of the tunnel. Getting there.
I want to help others get there.
Last night I was contemplating the best way to do that through my work; and I was overwhelmed by the possibilties. Through my work in class, I begin to see more broadly, and now I understand how I can effect even more people. But I am afraid.
I had no idea I had such fear in me.
I want freedom; I want a spirit of power and boldness; I want to be able to produce things according to the vision You've given me, no more no less; I want to raise money for something that is close to my heart; I want to rock the art and design world; I want to move people with my testimony; I want to give people a vision of Your face and the loveliness of another world; I want to be and do everything You ever thought of when You first made me. I want I want I want. You said that if we were to want something, all we needed to do was ask. I'm asking now; and even though I don't expect it all like, tommorow (that'd be the best day ever though) I know that it will happen in the future.
Show me how to run after You again. Give me a heart for the poor and the destitute and the dying. Don't let me run away scared; back me up and support me when I rally for Your cause.
If we were doing that fall back into eachothers arms thing (and You had a like, physical presence. Cough) we would be catching each other left and right.
Help me. Reveal Your love to me. Guide me and give me inspiration each day. As I continue working, let me know when something is right or wrong.
I love you. (Even when I don't always like you-- though I think that's passing now).
Krista posted by Krista @ 01 Oct 2009 08:34 pm 0 comments
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