Prayer for Miracles
Psalm 38-40:17 (pretty much a novel, contained in the good book. :P)
This is how I've felt the last few months. I don't know how to explain it, but the psalmist seems to know what I'm talking about. Constantly depressed, seeking God's favor by doing ridiculous things (keep my mouth shut, yes or no?), having friends avoid me, people talk, etc. These things seem very near.
But today I drove up from Kentucky back to University, and I looked out on the feilds and the trees and as I sat and debated to myself whether or not the fields were more orange or red; the mountains more blue or purple; I realized it doesn't really matter. I mean, it does; but not in and of itself. Better to just enjoy those things, and except them for what they are, then sit and overanalyze exactly how they work.
How do I apply this to my comic, God?
I feel in my heart that familar heat of wanting to start a new project; to begin working on pages. But there is still so much to do... my script isn't even complete yet.
'Don't be foolish but don't hinder me either.'
Not 'talking'. Dumb; makes 'heart hot within'. Wait for 'a new song in the mouth'; new hope.
It seems that this whole series of psalms are about waiting. I feel like I am waiting my life away. I am increasingly aware of how short my span really is, just like the psalmist talked about. I always look forward to the next day; and I am afraid if I keep it up I will have TRULY waited my life away.
Psalm 118
"Seek God with all your heart, he will save you from your oppressors; be salvation, etc etc."
It doesn't feel like it right now, is all. It's not that I feel bad, or super depressed like I did before, I just feel... bleh. I guess it's the waiting game thing like I mentioned before. I'm so tired of waiting.
I see you in small ways, but not big ones, God. I guess thats why I have trouble. I remember a few monthes ago and even though I didn't quite see the big picture, I still could connect a few dots and strands to at least put together some of the puzzle. Right now I feel like I can only see one strand, running on and on, never ending, with no bends or hills, just one monotonous line from here to there. There's no excitement.
Except for this little pinprick of light that comes from working on my comic- a tiny hidden detour on my big strand of DULL.
But that road is narrow and dark, and twists and turns, and I don't even know if I have the skill to do anything that will be required of me on it. My art isn't good enough, my story-telling can be limited and repetitive, and my promotional/people skills are no where near where they need to be. And what of the third part, the part where I attempt a little mission work through the site? What of that?
God, I'm asking, seeking, and knocking (all three!) for a heavy dose of hope; a new song for my heart. "O Come O Come Immanuel" does not begin to cover it. I need a daily guidance, a steady and loving hand, and miracles (I almost typed "tiny flickers of hope" but decided against it. I'm tired of small things. I need something big and life-changing). I ask these in Your name, in faith, and in love. Please continue to reveal yourself to me.
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