A prayer for guidance and love.
If these are signs, then how should I read them?
Each day, I get a new message. Last Sunday it was to live in the moment, to stop seeking to control the future. When I attempt to control anything, it backfires into my face; like my 3D project. Today in class we spent the majority of the time talking about how we are constantly told we are waiting for something. But our professor made a great point to remind us that college is increasingly being construed/viewed as another holding tank- like high school- a place to wait for the real world; but in reality, there is nothing keeping us from being a practicing artist but ourselves.
While I wrote my rationale for my project this morning, I wrote about how I have a problem with wanting to control all our projects- because 3D objects and mediums don't come naturally to me, I always want to simply bend them to my will, but the nget really upset when they don't do what I want them to do. I'm starting to wonder if that's what's (one thing) that has bogged me down the last couple of months.
In another journal, I was writing a sort of philosophical protocol about the role of evil in Memoria, and how I felt evil was very seductive, in a small and mean way; about how we all seem to forget that the snake didn't come wearing armour with a great army and force us to eat the apple. He coerced us with words, tiny urges; he played to us by using our own nature against us; pretending to feed our 'mere curiosity'. Evil is the grand and sweeping dark; but it's guise is quiet and seductive.
This made me think; if evil is seductive, what is good? It's a question I left unanswered in the notebook, and part of me is afraid to answer it.
My first instinct is to say "God is good", because some part of me (against all reason and rationale!) holds onto the God I heard speak to me so clearly many years ago, and even last semester. But lately I can't help but think, "is God good?". You certainly don't seem good right now, God. You don't talk to me. I feel like I've sought you out as well as I'm able, but for some reason it's just not clicking. You don't answer when I call.
I immediately connect that with how I should just 'let go and let God'; but almost instantly can hear the voice saying, "Just let Him go for a while; He'll find you again". It's the same intrigue that got Havard and his sister in trouble, and I reject it, because I know it's wrong. But there's still the temptation there; that if I just leave for a while, You'll show up again, like magic.
When I got angry the other day, I don't think I was really that mad about the room. I was mad because no one cares. I tell myself that all the time now, because it seems very true. Everything is remote; but there are moments of blinding clarity, like in class today, or when I'm with my friends and joking and laughing. But it's at night, when Chrissy is out, or when I'm excited to tell a story to someone, but they reject me and forget me, that I'm reminded in an instant that You're gone again. People are so fleeting when you know the God of the universe, and it's hard to compare any one else.
It's even harder because You aren't talking!
The other question that comes up is "How do I love a God that won't answer me?"
How do I love you if you don't show that you love me?
"All other loves you have known are infatuation. They are fast and love charged, and you don't imagine loving anyone after them. But the real loves, the loves you know best- the loves for family, children, friends, a good laugh- are loves that come from me, and loves that do not change or grow old. Even when you are not around them for a while, or seemingly forget why you love them, you still find reason to love them. You tell people what you love, regardless of how you feel about them at that moment. Why would you not do the same for me?"
I don't know. It's harder with something you can't see.
"Can you see the laughter of a child? A promise to prosper, or a great and fruitful future? But you believe these things anyway, and cling to them in a time without hope; and in doing so attempt to cling to me. Don't sell yourself short. You are flawed, but redeemed."
How do I answer that? How come I don't feel You around most of the time?
...
Today I thought about how maybe when I read my rationale to the class (about how I projected onto things, but I felt this project was a big break, and how it represented this and this and this for me...) that it would seem like a bunch of bull shit. I wondered if my professor would automatically assume I was bs-ing, and how I would attempt to counter that. I remembered something from a few monthes ago that You taught me, about finding threads again. There are always threads of meaning, underneath everything, so many criss crossing and weaving and hatching in so many different directions, we can only barely percieve them- and only then when we look.
I guess that's an idea that I've been working on with my work as well- I want there to be many threads of meaning, both in the art and in the writing, and I want people to be able to look into it and see something different each time. Memoria might seem boring; but it's actually full of things that we don't see. I guess that's true of my life right now as well- it's dull and boring right now, but it's meaning is there, even if it's hard to see.
Of course, that doesn't really answer the first question and idea that I had at the beginning!
Should I start on Memoria? I feel really compelled to, but how can I know?
"You're so afraid of making a mistake, that you might inadverently step into one!"
God. How can I start working on this project you want me to complete, not feeling on fire?
Almost instantly I know- the majority of the story is sombre, a time with you. And regardless of how much work I do, the words of one worthy critic will always ring true "divinely inspired does not mean it's above crit [or re-dos if it gets published!". There are a thousand reasons to wait, to re-think, to plan and to, basically, kill the idea before it even starts out of the gate.
Now, if I can get started on it without getting choked by those same concerns, it will be a blessing indeed, God!
-Krista
PS: As a side note, I do love when you laugh. I mean, I might not always feel like you're around, but when you laugh... gold. :)
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