Blogging?
I used to be really into blogging, years ago. I think I mostly liked it a) for attention and b) so I could play around designing websites with HTML and CSS. Although I didn't get much attention, I did learn alot about web design, so I guess it wasn't a total loss.
I've recently tried to take blogging back up; I attempted to keep a journal of sorts at Blogspot a few months ago, though it didn't really pan out either. I ended up abandoning it within a few weeks.
So now that I've made a psuedo decision to blog here on my (eventual/work in progress!) comic site, I wonder if it'll last beyond a few weeks before it bites the dust.
At any rate, I hope it won't.
I've been in a bit of a haze today, and for some reason, re-made the Memoria site in class this afternoon. I don't really know why. I have a fourth of the script done, no pages, no 'real' artwork to speak of, and in general, nothing done. I guess I just want to fool myself into thinking I'm doing work when I'm not.
I could call it spring fever, but it's not really. I'm not excited to get out of school or anything. Well, that's a lie. I can't wait to get out of class here at University. But it's not a driving force. I'm just going through the motions, looking for something bigger.
The something bigger, by the way, is God.
The strange thing about the Memoria site in the past, was that I never really mentioned much about... God, in/on my website. I mean, I mentioned I was a Christian, Memoria had Christian themes, etc, but I never really got into my faith. I never got sticky in the muck that is faith. I just glossed over it and went on, barely mentioning the main reason that this comic is even in existence.
So, I guess I can come out and say it even more plainly. I'm a Christian, and this is a Christian comic.
I can see a thousand grimaces right now, straining at the computer screen, ha ha.
I can't help but grimace a little bit myself, actually. I hate the stereotype of Christians- Christianity, and even Christian comics. There's too much... glossiness, to it, I guess. We (and by we, I mean Christians, Christ-followers, etc) tend to be so at a loss with God ourselves, that we don't even know how to describe him- and so we end up just trying to dumb him down and sell him a la Billy Mayes style. (Not that I have anything against Billy Mayes. He cracks me up.)
I find myself doing this a lot lately. Or rather, I don't really sell, talk about, or do much at all with God right now. It's not that I don't believe anymore- I know he's up there. I think that's the problem. I know he's up there, and he's not answering me, and so I'm frustrated.
I guess that's why I'm blogging. Kind of. I'm not really sure how to articulate what I'm getting at.
It's kind of like... I dunno. We do this glossing over thing like I was saying, yeah? I do it, other people do it, but we don't want to admit we have problems believing the stuff we're attempting to sell. I myself tend to try and deny stuff, and attempt to keep on praying, smiling, and being a happy member of society, all the while actually being some kind of weird spiritual robot. Except the robot can talk and think and question things on it's own.
It's that robot that we try to supress, or only tell a few select people about- our accountabilty partner, a close friend, a small group at church- but don't attempt to reach out within our own frailty.
I want to... change that. If I can.
I don't think it's that easy though. I know my own history with blogs, my problems opening up to people; let alone the entire world in cyberspace. How can I record my own prayers, thoughts and concerns about the world, and GOD; without... being utterly fake, or leaving things out?
I'm afraid this will come out preachy. That's not what I want. Sometimes I can get in this fire and brimstone mode when I talk about God, but I think it's because a)I want other people to know Him or b) I don't know how to explain everything that's happened to me/happening to me/my own doubts, loves, etc.
I guess that's the 'problem' with God. He's way too personal for OUR own good, ha ha.
But maybe that's what people need right now, and myself most of all. We don't need a pretty picture in a magazine, something that can be ours with 'five easy payments'. That's what we want. (Or that's what I want, anyway; I'm tired of shit being hard! I'm ready for a revival and some easy sailing for a while!) We need something entirely different.
I've gotten so desperate in my search for God, I actually just went to google the other day and put in 'Jesus'. I don't know what I expected beyond the cookie cutter images. Maybe I thought he would jump through the screen and shake me awake, lol. I guess I wanted the God I fell in love with years ago; the one I have a relationship with. Or I did have, a few months ago.
I don't know why God hasn't answered my prayers yet. I don't know why I have the issues I have, why I started blogging this afternoon. I don't know who you are, what you're doing, anything about you. I don't know if you believe in God, or even have an inkling of who he really is. I thought I did, but sometimes I'm not so sure.
My name is Krista. God asked me to do a comic, about my life, my characters/story, and Him. I struggle with loving a God who I feel is very distant right now. And I'm going to try and be as honest as I can be in this blog; about everything. Some entries will be like this, a long (tedious!) dirge about what I feel, others will be shorter, smaller snippets of life, and others still will be prayers and conversastions with God.
I hope God uses this in a way I can't begin to foresee.
| Post A Comment |