Remembering.
Quote: To the Church in Sardis
1"To the angel[a] of the church in Sardis write:
These are the words of him who holds the seven spirits[b]of God and the seven stars. I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead. 2Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have not found your deeds complete in the sight of my God. 3Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; obey it, and repent. But if you do not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what time I will come to you. 4Yet you have a few people in Sardis who have not soiled their clothes. They will walk with me, dressed in white, for they are worthy. 5He who overcomes will, like them, be dressed in white. I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my Father and his angels. 6He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.
I read this the other night before I went to bed, and was heartened by it; at least a little. I've been having a hard time lately, keeping up with everything. I feel like I work a lot; and its not a very fufilling line of work. My days tend to feel very mononotous, and I guess you could say I don't always do well with routine. I've been doing better the last few days, but sometimes I still get a little melancholy, like tonight.
I spent half an hour looking at wedding dresses tonight. I have no idea why. It started off as a quick search for basic clothing designs (something I often for research purposes in Memoria), and I ended up just looking at pages of wedding gowns. Of course I ended up sad, and rather irritated with myself. I certainly don't have a fiance; there's no reason to be looking at dresses, or anything wedding related.
Other than that though, I spent most of the day in bed; just thinking and napping periodically. I worked on next weeks page for a while. I just... want an escape.
After I read that passage, I decided to start trying to remember some of the blessings and promises I feel God has given me. I'm going to try and recount them here.
1) I will find my "soul-mate" one day.
2) I will finish my comic.
3) My characters will be known world-wide.
4) Memoria will be published.
5) I will be able to do some philanthropic work with my comics.
6) I will have a daughter.
7) I will have a well done, good and faithful servant.
The last one is the one I hope for the most; though I don't always know if I will. I certainly hope so.
Almost Here!
So. I just finished my freshman year at university, and it was pretty dang hard; but awesome at the same time. I passed my big end-of-the-year-if-you-don't-pass-you-don't-get-to-stay-in-the-program art review; and now I'm done. I'm very tired, and a little nostalgic, but I'm looking forward to the projects lined up this summer- I've already had someone ask me to do a painting for them, not to mention my normal job at Kroger, camp counselling (hopefully), and THE MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL: this comic.
Only a few more days now til the prelude comes out. ARGH. I have so much left to do; I need to start promoting, finish and scan the last few pages of the prelude, and do all kinds of miniscule details around the site. sdlkfjslkdjfsdkldjsf. It's a mess. I should have plenty of time though; and after it premiers it should be a little bit easier on me. (A little. Since it's only one page a week after this, lol).
Busy busy. That's me this summer; but I'm glad that I'm finally getting my butt in gear. I think that's what I learned the most this past year at art school; learning to get my butt in gear, ha ha.
Anyway. I'll see you guys soon! :)
Release.
I've decided to release Memoria on May 15th. I'm not really sure of the signifigance of the date; I googled and wiki'd it, and found all sorts of information. But none of it was really relevant. I guess in time, we'll see why. :P
I just found the most amazing song (with a less than amazing title), "Part 7" from the Iris OST by James Horner. I've never seen Iris, but I do like some of James Newton Howard's work; a few monthes ago I found this soundtrack when looking for songs about larks. (That sounds weird, but it's true).
Part 7 is WOW. It's about eleven minutes long, but it's absolutely beautiful.
It's music like this work that makes me get excited for what God is doing. I can see and hear Him so very clearly when listening to this song, and it's almost frightening in it's intensity.
Maybe most importantly (for readers, anyway!), I can see the ending of this comic even more clearly now. Not that I didn't know where it was going, but songs like this help me imagine it even more.
I need sight of an ending especially right now. I'm in the final two weeks of school; cruch time, and I have a huge review of my freshmen portfolio coming up. It's very easy to get caught up in the art world; in formal properties and intellectualism. Sometimes I wonder if my worth is determined by how well I can build a cardboard chair, or if I remember to consider shaping in my paintings.
I had a moment today, while I listened to that song, and it made me realize; it's absolutely ridiculous to be concerned about those things.
At the same time though, I do find myself increasingly apathetic, which is probably not good either. I prayed about it though; and I don't think God wants me to really stress out about my work, but wants me to be respectful in my apathy... if that makes any sort of sense.
Basically, I should give it a good try, but if it doesn't really work out the way I wanted it to, be respectful, and know that I'm not entirely useless. :P
So that's what I'm working on right now. Spiritually. Not Memoria wise. Not that there's a huge difference there, but you know, lol.
Anyway. I hope everyone's weeks are going well, can't wait to start posting pages!
-Krista
Prayer for Miracles
Psalm 38-40:17 (pretty much a novel, contained in the good book. :P)
This is how I've felt the last few months. I don't know how to explain it, but the psalmist seems to know what I'm talking about. Constantly depressed, seeking God's favor by doing ridiculous things (keep my mouth shut, yes or no?), having friends avoid me, people talk, etc. These things seem very near.
But today I drove up from Kentucky back to University, and I looked out on the feilds and the trees and as I sat and debated to myself whether or not the fields were more orange or red; the mountains more blue or purple; I realized it doesn't really matter. I mean, it does; but not in and of itself. Better to just enjoy those things, and except them for what they are, then sit and overanalyze exactly how they work.
How do I apply this to my comic, God?
I feel in my heart that familar heat of wanting to start a new project; to begin working on pages. But there is still so much to do... my script isn't even complete yet.
'Don't be foolish but don't hinder me either.'
Not 'talking'. Dumb; makes 'heart hot within'. Wait for 'a new song in the mouth'; new hope.
It seems that this whole series of psalms are about waiting. I feel like I am waiting my life away. I am increasingly aware of how short my span really is, just like the psalmist talked about. I always look forward to the next day; and I am afraid if I keep it up I will have TRULY waited my life away.
Psalm 118
"Seek God with all your heart, he will save you from your oppressors; be salvation, etc etc."
It doesn't feel like it right now, is all. It's not that I feel bad, or super depressed like I did before, I just feel... bleh. I guess it's the waiting game thing like I mentioned before. I'm so tired of waiting.
I see you in small ways, but not big ones, God. I guess thats why I have trouble. I remember a few monthes ago and even though I didn't quite see the big picture, I still could connect a few dots and strands to at least put together some of the puzzle. Right now I feel like I can only see one strand, running on and on, never ending, with no bends or hills, just one monotonous line from here to there. There's no excitement.
Except for this little pinprick of light that comes from working on my comic- a tiny hidden detour on my big strand of DULL.
But that road is narrow and dark, and twists and turns, and I don't even know if I have the skill to do anything that will be required of me on it. My art isn't good enough, my story-telling can be limited and repetitive, and my promotional/people skills are no where near where they need to be. And what of the third part, the part where I attempt a little mission work through the site? What of that?
God, I'm asking, seeking, and knocking (all three!) for a heavy dose of hope; a new song for my heart. "O Come O Come Immanuel" does not begin to cover it. I need a daily guidance, a steady and loving hand, and miracles (I almost typed "tiny flickers of hope" but decided against it. I'm tired of small things. I need something big and life-changing). I ask these in Your name, in faith, and in love. Please continue to reveal yourself to me.
Easter.
Just wanted to drop in and wish everyone a Happy Easter. He is Risen. :)
(Great news for slobs and sinner like us!) ;p
A prayer for guidance and love.
If these are signs, then how should I read them?
Each day, I get a new message. Last Sunday it was to live in the moment, to stop seeking to control the future. When I attempt to control anything, it backfires into my face; like my 3D project. Today in class we spent the majority of the time talking about how we are constantly told we are waiting for something. But our professor made a great point to remind us that college is increasingly being construed/viewed as another holding tank- like high school- a place to wait for the real world; but in reality, there is nothing keeping us from being a practicing artist but ourselves.
While I wrote my rationale for my project this morning, I wrote about how I have a problem with wanting to control all our projects- because 3D objects and mediums don't come naturally to me, I always want to simply bend them to my will, but the nget really upset when they don't do what I want them to do. I'm starting to wonder if that's what's (one thing) that has bogged me down the last couple of months.
In another journal, I was writing a sort of philosophical protocol about the role of evil in Memoria, and how I felt evil was very seductive, in a small and mean way; about how we all seem to forget that the snake didn't come wearing armour with a great army and force us to eat the apple. He coerced us with words, tiny urges; he played to us by using our own nature against us; pretending to feed our 'mere curiosity'. Evil is the grand and sweeping dark; but it's guise is quiet and seductive.
This made me think; if evil is seductive, what is good? It's a question I left unanswered in the notebook, and part of me is afraid to answer it.
My first instinct is to say "God is good", because some part of me (against all reason and rationale!) holds onto the God I heard speak to me so clearly many years ago, and even last semester. But lately I can't help but think, "is God good?". You certainly don't seem good right now, God. You don't talk to me. I feel like I've sought you out as well as I'm able, but for some reason it's just not clicking. You don't answer when I call.
I immediately connect that with how I should just 'let go and let God'; but almost instantly can hear the voice saying, "Just let Him go for a while; He'll find you again". It's the same intrigue that got Havard and his sister in trouble, and I reject it, because I know it's wrong. But there's still the temptation there; that if I just leave for a while, You'll show up again, like magic.
When I got angry the other day, I don't think I was really that mad about the room. I was mad because no one cares. I tell myself that all the time now, because it seems very true. Everything is remote; but there are moments of blinding clarity, like in class today, or when I'm with my friends and joking and laughing. But it's at night, when Chrissy is out, or when I'm excited to tell a story to someone, but they reject me and forget me, that I'm reminded in an instant that You're gone again. People are so fleeting when you know the God of the universe, and it's hard to compare any one else.
It's even harder because You aren't talking!
The other question that comes up is "How do I love a God that won't answer me?"
How do I love you if you don't show that you love me?
"All other loves you have known are infatuation. They are fast and love charged, and you don't imagine loving anyone after them. But the real loves, the loves you know best- the loves for family, children, friends, a good laugh- are loves that come from me, and loves that do not change or grow old. Even when you are not around them for a while, or seemingly forget why you love them, you still find reason to love them. You tell people what you love, regardless of how you feel about them at that moment. Why would you not do the same for me?"
I don't know. It's harder with something you can't see.
"Can you see the laughter of a child? A promise to prosper, or a great and fruitful future? But you believe these things anyway, and cling to them in a time without hope; and in doing so attempt to cling to me. Don't sell yourself short. You are flawed, but redeemed."
How do I answer that? How come I don't feel You around most of the time?
...
Today I thought about how maybe when I read my rationale to the class (about how I projected onto things, but I felt this project was a big break, and how it represented this and this and this for me...) that it would seem like a bunch of bull shit. I wondered if my professor would automatically assume I was bs-ing, and how I would attempt to counter that. I remembered something from a few monthes ago that You taught me, about finding threads again. There are always threads of meaning, underneath everything, so many criss crossing and weaving and hatching in so many different directions, we can only barely percieve them- and only then when we look.
I guess that's an idea that I've been working on with my work as well- I want there to be many threads of meaning, both in the art and in the writing, and I want people to be able to look into it and see something different each time. Memoria might seem boring; but it's actually full of things that we don't see. I guess that's true of my life right now as well- it's dull and boring right now, but it's meaning is there, even if it's hard to see.
Of course, that doesn't really answer the first question and idea that I had at the beginning!
Should I start on Memoria? I feel really compelled to, but how can I know?
"You're so afraid of making a mistake, that you might inadverently step into one!"
God. How can I start working on this project you want me to complete, not feeling on fire?
Almost instantly I know- the majority of the story is sombre, a time with you. And regardless of how much work I do, the words of one worthy critic will always ring true "divinely inspired does not mean it's above crit [or re-dos if it gets published!". There are a thousand reasons to wait, to re-think, to plan and to, basically, kill the idea before it even starts out of the gate.
Now, if I can get started on it without getting choked by those same concerns, it will be a blessing indeed, God!
-Krista
PS: As a side note, I do love when you laugh. I mean, I might not always feel like you're around, but when you laugh... gold. :)
Beleted.
So, I deleted one of my other posts today. I read over it and realized it wasn't... right.
I'm starting to get back on track with God again; and I realized the former entry was not really accomplishing anything, for me, or for 'advancing the kingdom' to put it in religious terms, lol. I wouldn't call me and Jesus completely buddy buddy just yet- I'm still working on some issues, still seeking out the drive and fire again- but it's getting there, and that's awesome.
I re-designed the whole website this evening, as well, by the way. I also (pretty much) finished the about section.
It was probably writing it down, along with other revelations last night, that made me realize, 'oh hey, this is what you loved God for, dipweed'.
As I wrote in my prayer journal several times, "I am an idiot". I think it's good for me to be reminded. I'm really forgetful, I'm finding.
+++
I also want to say that, if there is ANYONE reading this right now, not to expect a comic up and running again any time soon. I'm in a period of waiting right now; and it's one that I've acknowledged for a while. But I felt the need to put this site up, and at least have something to look forward to. A motivator.
To the future!
Blogging?
I used to be really into blogging, years ago. I think I mostly liked it a) for attention and b) so I could play around designing websites with HTML and CSS. Although I didn't get much attention, I did learn alot about web design, so I guess it wasn't a total loss.
I've recently tried to take blogging back up; I attempted to keep a journal of sorts at Blogspot a few months ago, though it didn't really pan out either. I ended up abandoning it within a few weeks.
So now that I've made a psuedo decision to blog here on my (eventual/work in progress!) comic site, I wonder if it'll last beyond a few weeks before it bites the dust.
At any rate, I hope it won't.
I've been in a bit of a haze today, and for some reason, re-made the Memoria site in class this afternoon. I don't really know why. I have a fourth of the script done, no pages, no 'real' artwork to speak of, and in general, nothing done. I guess I just want to fool myself into thinking I'm doing work when I'm not.
I could call it spring fever, but it's not really. I'm not excited to get out of school or anything. Well, that's a lie. I can't wait to get out of class here at University. But it's not a driving force. I'm just going through the motions, looking for something bigger.
The something bigger, by the way, is God.
The strange thing about the Memoria site in the past, was that I never really mentioned much about... God, in/on my website. I mean, I mentioned I was a Christian, Memoria had Christian themes, etc, but I never really got into my faith. I never got sticky in the muck that is faith. I just glossed over it and went on, barely mentioning the main reason that this comic is even in existence.
So, I guess I can come out and say it even more plainly. I'm a Christian, and this is a Christian comic.
I can see a thousand grimaces right now, straining at the computer screen, ha ha.
I can't help but grimace a little bit myself, actually. I hate the stereotype of Christians- Christianity, and even Christian comics. There's too much... glossiness, to it, I guess. We (and by we, I mean Christians, Christ-followers, etc) tend to be so at a loss with God ourselves, that we don't even know how to describe him- and so we end up just trying to dumb him down and sell him a la Billy Mayes style. (Not that I have anything against Billy Mayes. He cracks me up.)
I find myself doing this a lot lately. Or rather, I don't really sell, talk about, or do much at all with God right now. It's not that I don't believe anymore- I know he's up there. I think that's the problem. I know he's up there, and he's not answering me, and so I'm frustrated.
I guess that's why I'm blogging. Kind of. I'm not really sure how to articulate what I'm getting at.
It's kind of like... I dunno. We do this glossing over thing like I was saying, yeah? I do it, other people do it, but we don't want to admit we have problems believing the stuff we're attempting to sell. I myself tend to try and deny stuff, and attempt to keep on praying, smiling, and being a happy member of society, all the while actually being some kind of weird spiritual robot. Except the robot can talk and think and question things on it's own.
It's that robot that we try to supress, or only tell a few select people about- our accountabilty partner, a close friend, a small group at church- but don't attempt to reach out within our own frailty.
I want to... change that. If I can.
I don't think it's that easy though. I know my own history with blogs, my problems opening up to people; let alone the entire world in cyberspace. How can I record my own prayers, thoughts and concerns about the world, and GOD; without... being utterly fake, or leaving things out?
I'm afraid this will come out preachy. That's not what I want. Sometimes I can get in this fire and brimstone mode when I talk about God, but I think it's because a)I want other people to know Him or b) I don't know how to explain everything that's happened to me/happening to me/my own doubts, loves, etc.
I guess that's the 'problem' with God. He's way too personal for OUR own good, ha ha.
But maybe that's what people need right now, and myself most of all. We don't need a pretty picture in a magazine, something that can be ours with 'five easy payments'. That's what we want. (Or that's what I want, anyway; I'm tired of shit being hard! I'm ready for a revival and some easy sailing for a while!) We need something entirely different.
I've gotten so desperate in my search for God, I actually just went to google the other day and put in 'Jesus'. I don't know what I expected beyond the cookie cutter images. Maybe I thought he would jump through the screen and shake me awake, lol. I guess I wanted the God I fell in love with years ago; the one I have a relationship with. Or I did have, a few months ago.
I don't know why God hasn't answered my prayers yet. I don't know why I have the issues I have, why I started blogging this afternoon. I don't know who you are, what you're doing, anything about you. I don't know if you believe in God, or even have an inkling of who he really is. I thought I did, but sometimes I'm not so sure.
My name is Krista. God asked me to do a comic, about my life, my characters/story, and Him. I struggle with loving a God who I feel is very distant right now. And I'm going to try and be as honest as I can be in this blog; about everything. Some entries will be like this, a long (tedious!) dirge about what I feel, others will be shorter, smaller snippets of life, and others still will be prayers and conversastions with God.
I hope God uses this in a way I can't begin to foresee.
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